Luna

I never thought I'd have to post here again. It's just that...

Luna's gone.

Not disappeared — gone, in the sense of won't ever come back — I don't want to have to type the word. It doesn't seem real and typing it makes it seem even less real.

I'll give it a try anyway. She's dead. Deceased. No longer with us. Passed on. Passed away. Dead. Drowned.

I feel numb writing this.

They found her yesterday morning. In the pond. I didn't learn about it until today. Dad told me. They called us, Donna and Matt, left a message. I can't bring myself to go listen to it...

Dad listened, though. He says Luna's parents said she sleepwalked into the pond. She's supposed to lock her door at night so she can't leave her room when she sleepwalks, but the door wasn't locked on the night of the fifteenth, when she... you know. The key was still on her nightstand.

The thought is that Luna walked down to the pond, asleep, fell in, and couldn't save herself. The pond is pretty deep. She wouldn't have been able to touch the bottom, and she can't swim. She was also wearing a long flannel nightgown, which would have gotten waterlogged and dragged her down.

Those are the facts. Key on the nightstand. Flannel nightgown. Couldn't swim. Sleepwalker.

And then there are the things I know. She was unhappy. She had just had a big fight with me. She was friendless, lonely. Her favorite album has several tracks about suicide, and the title track is about Ophelia, a girl who went mad and drowned.

One of her most precious possessions — yes, only a rock, but still precious to her — was thrown in that very pond. By me.

I could have helped her. Erin was right. I'm selfish, but if I wasn't, I could have showed Donna and Matt Luna's blog. I could have told them I was concerned about some of their daughter's behavior. I might have been able to save her.

Instead, did I help kill her?

I've gone numb, emotionally. I haven't cried for her yet and I don't know if I ever can. I still can't believe she's gone, you know, really gone, forever...

I have to give myself time to process this. I feel much, much too calm, but only because I can't feel anything else yet. I haven't had the time for it to sink in.

I can't believe this is real.