I have to remind myself every few seconds. She's dead. That's what I keep thinking. The phrase doesn't feel like it means anything anymore.

My mother ungrounded me so I could go see Donna and Matt. I don't have the nerve to. I don't know how I possibly could have the nerve to.

I'm going to have to go to the funeral. That's going to be bad enough.

I hate the way I sound, writing about this. The words look so casually bland. They come as easily as they always do. Shouldn't it be different? Someone I knew is dead. Shouldn't that change the way I feel? Shouldn't I be crying and screaming right now?

Dead, though, it's like it isn't a word anymore. It's just four letters. I caught myself staring at the word and thinking it would be neater if it were "deed" or "daad" because it would be symmetrical.

Did I kill Luna? That's another phrase that means nothing anymore.

Erin doesn't know about this, of course. This is only local news, and she isn't local anymore now that she's off to college. I would tell her, but it would just be more evidence of what a horrible screw-up I am.

Luna might be dead because of me. Does it matter? Either way she's dead. Either way it's horrible and incomprehensible. I can't get my brain around it. She's really gone. There is no more Luna.