I didn't hang out with Luna today. She was out shopping for school supplies.
I just got off Skype chat with her. She seemed okay. We didn't talk for very long; she was tired already. Sounds like she had a long day.
Honestly, nothing remarkable happened. She didn't say anything weird or anything.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Erin said I could post this.
[8/31/12 1:01:14 PM] swerin: okay jack i just saw your latest blog post and you really have to listen to what i am about to say to you
[8/31/12 1:01:27 PM] swerin: hell if it helps you listen you can even post this chat on your blog
[8/31/12 1:01:30 PM] swerin: i dont care
[8/31/12 1:01:43 PM] swerin: i know u and luna are friends now or at least u think of each other that way but this is still first and foremost a job not a friendship
[8/31/12 1:02:25 PM] Jack Q: That's not true.
[8/31/12 1:02:32 PM] swerin: just LISTEN to me
[8/31/12 1:02:56 PM] swerin: as long as you keep getting paid to hang out with her it is a job!! i don't care how much you like her, as long as you are GETTING PAID it is a JOB.
[8/31/12 1:03:04 PM] swerin: we clear?
[8/31/12 1:04:01 PM] Jack Q: Clear.
[8/31/12 1:04:16 PM] swerin: i told u to stop accepting payment if you really wanna be friends w/her but u wouldn't listen to me
[8/31/12 1:04:28 PM] swerin: are you gonna listen to me this time?
[8/31/12 1:05:14 PM] Jack Q: Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Erin.
[8/31/12 1:05:20 PM] swerin: do not apologize to me.
[8/31/12 1:05:27 PM] swerin: you should be apologizing to luna if anybody
[8/31/12 1:05:33 PM] swerin: bc apparently you have been continuing to trick her into thinking what you have with her is a real friendship
[8/31/12 1:05:41 PM] swerin: but thats besides the point
[8/31/12 1:05:50 PM] swerin: the point is
[8/31/12 1:06:07 PM] swerin: YOU NEED TO TELL LUNA'S PARENTS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH LUNA.
[8/31/12 1:06:16 PM] swerin: i am using all caps because i want you to actually LISTEN
[8/31/12 1:06:31 PM] swerin: i know you think you're protecting her privacy or something by not telling her parents, or maybe the problem is you think it's ur job to fix everything that goes wrong in her life
[8/31/12 1:06:45 PM] swerin: and look im not trying to be down on u for that because at least that shows that u care
[8/31/12 1:07:04 PM] swerin: and what's going on with luna could be nothing serious, could just be middle school kid weirdness, but at this point im starting to doubt it
[8/31/12 1:07:13 PM] swerin: imaginary friends? and shes about to start 7th grade?
[8/31/12 1:07:28 PM] swerin: plus it sounds like she might be manic-depressive or something
[8/31/12 1:07:56 PM] swerin: w/e i'm not a psychologist what do i know. point is u need to tell her parents
[8/31/12 1:08:06 PM] swerin: they need to know so that if she needs help they can get it for her
[8/31/12 1:08:19 PM] swerin: ive had friends who were depressed and might have committed suicide if one of their friends hadnt told their parents about it and gotten them help
[8/31/12 1:08:37 PM] swerin: lunas folks seem like nice people even if they dont know shit about their own damn kid
[8/31/12 1:08:43 PM] swerin: so talk to them. this might be serious
[8/31/12 1:09:00 PM] swerin: and if that isn't enough motivation for u remember that, again, this is ur JOB.
[8/31/12 1:09:09 PM] swerin: you are supposed to make sure luna is okay.
[8/31/12 1:09:15 PM] swerin: if you are not doing that then you are not doing your job.
[8/31/12 1:09:44 PM] Jack Q: I've been trying to help her on my own, Erin, it's not that bad. She just has trouble sleeping sometimes, and I help her with that.
[8/31/12 1:10:03 PM] swerin: YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME
[8/31/12 1:10:10 PM] swerin: she's NOT okay she is getting worse if anything from the sounds of it
[8/31/12 1:10:31 PM] swerin: she is getting to be really dependent on u. that's the beginnings of a manipulative relationship right there
[8/31/12 1:10:42 PM] swerin: even if i am overreacting u are way better safe than sorry.
[8/31/12 1:10:59 PM] swerin: next time u meet up with her parents to get paid for pretending to be friends with their little girl then u need to tell them about what's been going on
[8/31/12 1:11:04 PM] swerin: promise me.
[8/31/12 1:11:29 PM] Jack Q: I promise.
[8/31/12 1:11:35 PM] swerin: good. then we're done here.
[8/31/12 1:01:27 PM] swerin: hell if it helps you listen you can even post this chat on your blog
[8/31/12 1:01:30 PM] swerin: i dont care
[8/31/12 1:01:43 PM] swerin: i know u and luna are friends now or at least u think of each other that way but this is still first and foremost a job not a friendship
[8/31/12 1:02:25 PM] Jack Q: That's not true.
[8/31/12 1:02:32 PM] swerin: just LISTEN to me
[8/31/12 1:02:56 PM] swerin: as long as you keep getting paid to hang out with her it is a job!! i don't care how much you like her, as long as you are GETTING PAID it is a JOB.
[8/31/12 1:03:04 PM] swerin: we clear?
[8/31/12 1:04:01 PM] Jack Q: Clear.
[8/31/12 1:04:16 PM] swerin: i told u to stop accepting payment if you really wanna be friends w/her but u wouldn't listen to me
[8/31/12 1:04:28 PM] swerin: are you gonna listen to me this time?
[8/31/12 1:05:14 PM] Jack Q: Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Erin.
[8/31/12 1:05:20 PM] swerin: do not apologize to me.
[8/31/12 1:05:27 PM] swerin: you should be apologizing to luna if anybody
[8/31/12 1:05:33 PM] swerin: bc apparently you have been continuing to trick her into thinking what you have with her is a real friendship
[8/31/12 1:05:41 PM] swerin: but thats besides the point
[8/31/12 1:05:50 PM] swerin: the point is
[8/31/12 1:06:07 PM] swerin: YOU NEED TO TELL LUNA'S PARENTS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH LUNA.
[8/31/12 1:06:16 PM] swerin: i am using all caps because i want you to actually LISTEN
[8/31/12 1:06:31 PM] swerin: i know you think you're protecting her privacy or something by not telling her parents, or maybe the problem is you think it's ur job to fix everything that goes wrong in her life
[8/31/12 1:06:45 PM] swerin: and look im not trying to be down on u for that because at least that shows that u care
[8/31/12 1:07:04 PM] swerin: and what's going on with luna could be nothing serious, could just be middle school kid weirdness, but at this point im starting to doubt it
[8/31/12 1:07:13 PM] swerin: imaginary friends? and shes about to start 7th grade?
[8/31/12 1:07:28 PM] swerin: plus it sounds like she might be manic-depressive or something
[8/31/12 1:07:56 PM] swerin: w/e i'm not a psychologist what do i know. point is u need to tell her parents
[8/31/12 1:08:06 PM] swerin: they need to know so that if she needs help they can get it for her
[8/31/12 1:08:19 PM] swerin: ive had friends who were depressed and might have committed suicide if one of their friends hadnt told their parents about it and gotten them help
[8/31/12 1:08:37 PM] swerin: lunas folks seem like nice people even if they dont know shit about their own damn kid
[8/31/12 1:08:43 PM] swerin: so talk to them. this might be serious
[8/31/12 1:09:00 PM] swerin: and if that isn't enough motivation for u remember that, again, this is ur JOB.
[8/31/12 1:09:09 PM] swerin: you are supposed to make sure luna is okay.
[8/31/12 1:09:15 PM] swerin: if you are not doing that then you are not doing your job.
[8/31/12 1:09:44 PM] Jack Q: I've been trying to help her on my own, Erin, it's not that bad. She just has trouble sleeping sometimes, and I help her with that.
[8/31/12 1:10:03 PM] swerin: YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME
[8/31/12 1:10:10 PM] swerin: she's NOT okay she is getting worse if anything from the sounds of it
[8/31/12 1:10:31 PM] swerin: she is getting to be really dependent on u. that's the beginnings of a manipulative relationship right there
[8/31/12 1:10:42 PM] swerin: even if i am overreacting u are way better safe than sorry.
[8/31/12 1:10:59 PM] swerin: next time u meet up with her parents to get paid for pretending to be friends with their little girl then u need to tell them about what's been going on
[8/31/12 1:11:04 PM] swerin: promise me.
[8/31/12 1:11:29 PM] Jack Q: I promise.
[8/31/12 1:11:35 PM] swerin: good. then we're done here.
Erin's given me permission to write about our conversation yesterday, so I'll explain what happened.
I can't remember the exact details of the conversation and I'm not in the mood to try remembering precisely who said what, but the gist of it was that she'd found my blog and was (understandably) unhappy that I had been posting our Skype conversations without first asking her. I won't be doing that in the future, rest assured.
In addition, she thinks Luna's behavior is concerning and wants me to talk to Donna about it. She says it's my responsibility to let Luna's parents know that their daughter's been behaving strangely. I'm taking her advice into consideration, but, really, I don't think I need to bother Luna's parents with this. I doubt Luna would want me to tell her parents about her insomnia, either. I want to respect her privacy.
Erin, if you're reading this, once again, I am really sorry.
I can't remember the exact details of the conversation and I'm not in the mood to try remembering precisely who said what, but the gist of it was that she'd found my blog and was (understandably) unhappy that I had been posting our Skype conversations without first asking her. I won't be doing that in the future, rest assured.
In addition, she thinks Luna's behavior is concerning and wants me to talk to Donna about it. She says it's my responsibility to let Luna's parents know that their daughter's been behaving strangely. I'm taking her advice into consideration, but, really, I don't think I need to bother Luna's parents with this. I doubt Luna would want me to tell her parents about her insomnia, either. I want to respect her privacy.
Erin, if you're reading this, once again, I am really sorry.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
An Apology
Erin, I'm really sorry. I never should have posted those chatlogs without permission. I know you've heard a verbal apology from me already, but since I made our chatlogs public I want to make my apology public as well.
I'm sorry.
Dream Journal - 30 Aug '12
(I didn't do a dream journal yesterday because I had trouble sleeping and, frankly, couldn't remember anything I dreamed about. I'm not even sure if I had a dream that night. Is it possible to sleep without dreaming?)
I dreamed about middle school last night. I was sitting with Erin and her friends at a lunch table. Erin was her present-day self, though, while I was a middle-schooler, and she kept talking to me like I was this little kid. I couldn't say anything to her in return, or do anything, actually. I was just frozen, watching.
The dream changed and I was outside at the elementary school playground (the middle and elementary schools were very close to each other, so sometimes middle school kids went over to the elementary school playground, although we weren't supposed to). It didn't look like the elementary school playground does in real life, though; it was much bigger, big enough to get lost in.
I don't really remember what happened after that.
I dreamed about middle school last night. I was sitting with Erin and her friends at a lunch table. Erin was her present-day self, though, while I was a middle-schooler, and she kept talking to me like I was this little kid. I couldn't say anything to her in return, or do anything, actually. I was just frozen, watching.
The dream changed and I was outside at the elementary school playground (the middle and elementary schools were very close to each other, so sometimes middle school kids went over to the elementary school playground, although we weren't supposed to). It didn't look like the elementary school playground does in real life, though; it was much bigger, big enough to get lost in.
I don't really remember what happened after that.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Luna and I have been hanging out every day, and I've been talking to her at night. It's so funny, because she seems almost like two different people. During the day, she's generally pretty happy and relaxed; we have a good time hanging out, chatting or watching movies. At night, though, she's clearly anxious, needy even; she says strange things; she's moody, sometimes even angry, and she's quick to lash out. She's gotten mad at me more than a few times for, honestly, pretty stupid reasons; I always back down and apologize to smooth things over. She never brings up these arguments again.
We talk until she's tired to the point of nearly falling asleep, usually. Most of the time we have audio conversations, or I'd post a chatlog like I've done with my conversations with Erin.
It's a little suffocating sometimes, spending this much time with one person. I guess that this is how it is having a best friend. Luna's probably the closest friend I've ever had in my life, and I'm glad I can be of help to her. Sometimes I just wish I could have a little more time to myself, that's all.
We talk until she's tired to the point of nearly falling asleep, usually. Most of the time we have audio conversations, or I'd post a chatlog like I've done with my conversations with Erin.
It's a little suffocating sometimes, spending this much time with one person. I guess that this is how it is having a best friend. Luna's probably the closest friend I've ever had in my life, and I'm glad I can be of help to her. Sometimes I just wish I could have a little more time to myself, that's all.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Dream Journal - 28 Aug '12
My dream from last night was very odd and disjointed. I can't remember it very well.
Things I do remember from it:
- I was in a car, which for some reason I was driving. I've never actually driven a car in my life. I was going very slowly so as not to crash. There were no other cars around. I was driving down some back road in the woods; I'm not sure where it was. It felt like I was in a tunnel because the trees were so big and had such spreading foliage that I couldn't see the sky.
- My best friend from when I was a little kid (his name was John) and I were building a tree house in the woods. It was a really cool tree house, much better than we would have realistically been able to build, but John kept looking at it and shaking his head. He kept saying it wasn't right, it was all wrong, all wrong, but his voice sounded flat, inhuman almost. It may have been because I don't remember what his voice actually sounded like (he moved away when I was five), but it was still kind of creepy.
- I was inside some building (the tree house, maybe?), and there was this hallway that looked like it went on forever. I literally couldn't see the end of the hallway. There were doors all up and down the side of it. I asked Erin — who was there suddenly — if she knew where any of the doors went, and she just laughed at me.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Dream Journal - 27 Aug '12
I dreamed I was back at the beach. It was night. I was standing near the edge of the beach — not by the water, I mean, at the place where the beach begins. I can't think of the right words to describe that.
It wasn't very dark, though, even though it was night. I could see fine. I could tell it was night... well, because it felt like night, I guess. That, and the light didn't look like daylight. It was too pale, in the way that moonlight is pale. It made everything look black-and-white.
There was a lighthouse; at least, I think there was, but I can't remember it clearly. It didn't really figure in the dream. I just think I remember seeing one.
Out on the water was a little boat. As soon as I saw it I knew I had to swim out to it — I'm not sure why, it was one of those dream-logic things. When I started to head across the beach towards it, though, I saw that a bunch of kids I used to know in middle school had made a campfire a little further down on the beach. They were all standing around it and laughing.
The next thing I remember, I was in the water up to my neck. The little boat was only a few yards away but I couldn't seem to get my arms or legs to move to reach it. My hair was stuck to my face and I couldn't see. (I didn't realize at the time, but for the purposes of this dream I guess I was my middle school self again. My hair was long like it was at the beginning of middle school, anyway.)
For some reason, I looked up just then, and I saw where all the light was coming from. The full moon was directly overhead, and it was enormous. It looked like it was filling the entire sky. If I reached up, I probably could have touched it.
I'm not sure how well I'm explaining myself, so here's a sketch of what I mean.
I woke up right after that. It was strange; that's the most vivid dream I can remember having in a long time.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Chat with Erin
[8/26/12 6:15:38 PM] Jack Q: Erin? You online?
[8/26/12 6:19:44 PM] swerin: yep
[8/26/12 6:20:19 PM] Jack Q: New name, I see.
[8/26/12 6:20:24 PM] Jack Q: "swerin"?
[8/26/12 6:20:50 PM] swerin: it was supposed to be swag + erin but it looks like the word swearing idk one of my friends thought it up it made me laugh so
[8/26/12 6:21:02 PM] swerin: nvm it's an inside joke
[8/26/12 6:21:12 PM] swerin: whassup bro. did you wanna talk about something
[8/26/12 6:22:36 PM] Jack Q: Just wanted to chat. We haven't had a real conversation in a while.
[8/26/12 6:23:20 PM] swerin: yeah sorry man
[8/26/12 6:23:37 PM] swerin: tbh lately most of my communication has been with online buds
[8/26/12 6:23:42 PM] swerin: fandom stuff usually idk how much u know about fandoms
[8/26/12 6:24:09 PM] swerin: you don't have a tumblr right?
[8/26/12 6:24:17 PM] Jack Q: Nope, just a Blogspot account.
[8/26/12 6:25:35 PM] swerin: that's right i remember
[8/26/12 6:25:46 PM] swerin: you should join tumblr though! haha
[8/26/12 6:26:41 PM] swerin: you gave me the link to your blogspot right?
[8/26/12 6:27:13 PM] Jack Q: Yes, a long time ago.
[8/26/12 6:27:28 PM] swerin: cool cool
[8/26/12 6:28:40 PM] swerin: i gotta go
[8/26/12 6:19:44 PM] swerin: yep
[8/26/12 6:20:19 PM] Jack Q: New name, I see.
[8/26/12 6:20:24 PM] Jack Q: "swerin"?
[8/26/12 6:20:50 PM] swerin: it was supposed to be swag + erin but it looks like the word swearing idk one of my friends thought it up it made me laugh so
[8/26/12 6:21:02 PM] swerin: nvm it's an inside joke
[8/26/12 6:21:12 PM] swerin: whassup bro. did you wanna talk about something
[8/26/12 6:22:36 PM] Jack Q: Just wanted to chat. We haven't had a real conversation in a while.
[8/26/12 6:23:20 PM] swerin: yeah sorry man
[8/26/12 6:23:37 PM] swerin: tbh lately most of my communication has been with online buds
[8/26/12 6:23:42 PM] swerin: fandom stuff usually idk how much u know about fandoms
[8/26/12 6:24:09 PM] swerin: you don't have a tumblr right?
[8/26/12 6:24:17 PM] Jack Q: Nope, just a Blogspot account.
[8/26/12 6:25:35 PM] swerin: that's right i remember
[8/26/12 6:25:46 PM] swerin: you should join tumblr though! haha
[8/26/12 6:26:41 PM] swerin: you gave me the link to your blogspot right?
[8/26/12 6:27:13 PM] Jack Q: Yes, a long time ago.
[8/26/12 6:27:28 PM] swerin: cool cool
[8/26/12 6:28:40 PM] swerin: i gotta go
Dream journaling
I know I haven't been writing down my dreams lately. I actually tried keeping track of them while I was at the beach, but none of them were that interesting, so I haven't posted them here.
The past few days, I just haven't been doing it. I feel a little bad because Luna asked me to; it's like I'm letting her down or something, I don't know.
Maybe I'll go back to dream journaling. Probably just for this week, though; I think it'll be harder to do once school starts up again.
The past few days, I just haven't been doing it. I feel a little bad because Luna asked me to; it's like I'm letting her down or something, I don't know.
Maybe I'll go back to dream journaling. Probably just for this week, though; I think it'll be harder to do once school starts up again.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
It's okay.
Long story short: Luna is alright.
I just got back from her house. I'll try to sum up how the day went.
I was a little nervous going over there. I can't put a finger on exactly what I was afraid might have happened to prevent Luna from talking to me or coming over yesterday, but I had a bad feeling about it in the pit of my stomach. The first place I checked for her was down at the pond, but she wasn't there, so I went up to her house and knocked on the door.
The minute Donna answered I knew everything was alright, and I felt stupid for being worried in the first place.
Luna was kind of mad at me for not coming over to see her yesterday, which I guess was mean of me. I shouldn't have expected her to have done that. At the very least I should have made arrangements with her.
She didn't stay mad for long, though. We watched some Twilight Zone episodes for a couple hours and then I headed home.
I didn't ask her about her insomnia. I guess I should have, but at the time I didn't really want to bring it up. It felt personal and I didn't want to offend her. That's strange, I guess, since she's the one who brought it up in the first place, but nonetheless.
I just got back from her house. I'll try to sum up how the day went.
I was a little nervous going over there. I can't put a finger on exactly what I was afraid might have happened to prevent Luna from talking to me or coming over yesterday, but I had a bad feeling about it in the pit of my stomach. The first place I checked for her was down at the pond, but she wasn't there, so I went up to her house and knocked on the door.
The minute Donna answered I knew everything was alright, and I felt stupid for being worried in the first place.
Luna was kind of mad at me for not coming over to see her yesterday, which I guess was mean of me. I shouldn't have expected her to have done that. At the very least I should have made arrangements with her.
She didn't stay mad for long, though. We watched some Twilight Zone episodes for a couple hours and then I headed home.
I didn't ask her about her insomnia. I guess I should have, but at the time I didn't really want to bring it up. It felt personal and I didn't want to offend her. That's strange, I guess, since she's the one who brought it up in the first place, but nonetheless.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Vacation Recap
It's been a crazy vacation, in more ways than one.
I like the beach, but I don't like wearing swimsuits — women's swimwear is always, well, too feminine for me. I usually get around the problem by wearing a t-shirt over my swimsuit. My mother, however, hates when I wear a t-shirt over my swimsuit. For whatever reason, it just seems to drive her nuts.
My aunt — her younger sister — seems to share this trait. The entire trip, the two of them were nagging me to take off my t-shirt before I went in the water. Their tactics were slightly different; my mother kept saying things like "You're going to wreck your clothing by getting it all full of saltwater, Jackie", while my aunt kept telling me how I didn't need to feel ashamed of my body, as though either of those were the issues.
Eventually, I stopped swimming when they were around and just brought my book to the beach instead.
I still wanted to have the chance to go swimming, though; we were at the beach, after all. So one night (it was a few days ago; the 19th, I think) I snuck out and headed down to the ocean.
I don't know if night swimming is even legal, but no one was there, and no one caught me. I only stayed a few minutes. It was kind of spooky. Even with the stars out, it was really dark; I think it must have been a new moon. The water was cold and I kept thinking about sharks.
The really spooky part, though, was when I got back. Luna had been Skyping me in my absence. One of her messages said something like "Jack, I want to talk to you, please come back." The message after that said, "I'll be here when you get back from swimming."
I immediately wrote back asking her how she knew I'd been swimming. She ignored my question and just told me she was happy I was back.
I mean, I was on a trip to the beach. I suppose she could have just guessed I was out swimming. But I'd never been out swimming late at night like that, and I hadn't told her I planned to go swimming at night. I don't know; it's probably nothing, but it gave me the creeps.
Luna and I talked almost every night. The past few nights, though, she hasn't been online at all. I take that as a good sign; maybe she's been having less trouble getting to sleep. Alternately, maybe Donna's been using her laptop in the evenings and hasn't let Luna on to talk to me.
I've talked to Erin a fair few times, but just small talk. I pointedly haven't been discussing Luna with her. I think if I did tell her, she'd get concerned, and I don't want her to feel concerned about this. Whatever's up with Luna, I've got it under control.
Apart from the weirdness, it's been a good vacation, though. We stayed in a nice beach house a short distance from the ocean. I really like being near the sea; the smell of the ocean is amazing. It makes me feel strange to be near so much water. It's like standing at the edge of the world.
The ocean is a little scary because it's easy to forget that it's not just an empty expanse of water. It's full of life, so much more life than we have on land, so much of which is too tiny to see. Stuff like that is cool, but at the same time it kind of freaks me out.
Oh — I almost forgot. Luna's rock. I kept it in my suitcase the whole time we were there, except for a couple times when I took it out and held it up to my ear again. Sounds crazy, I know, but I just want to know whatever it is that Luna heard when she held it to her ear. It's probably just the blood rushing through her ears or something like that — like with seashells — but I think it's odd that she can hear something and I can't hear anything.
I like the beach, but I don't like wearing swimsuits — women's swimwear is always, well, too feminine for me. I usually get around the problem by wearing a t-shirt over my swimsuit. My mother, however, hates when I wear a t-shirt over my swimsuit. For whatever reason, it just seems to drive her nuts.
My aunt — her younger sister — seems to share this trait. The entire trip, the two of them were nagging me to take off my t-shirt before I went in the water. Their tactics were slightly different; my mother kept saying things like "You're going to wreck your clothing by getting it all full of saltwater, Jackie", while my aunt kept telling me how I didn't need to feel ashamed of my body, as though either of those were the issues.
Eventually, I stopped swimming when they were around and just brought my book to the beach instead.
I still wanted to have the chance to go swimming, though; we were at the beach, after all. So one night (it was a few days ago; the 19th, I think) I snuck out and headed down to the ocean.
I don't know if night swimming is even legal, but no one was there, and no one caught me. I only stayed a few minutes. It was kind of spooky. Even with the stars out, it was really dark; I think it must have been a new moon. The water was cold and I kept thinking about sharks.
The really spooky part, though, was when I got back. Luna had been Skyping me in my absence. One of her messages said something like "Jack, I want to talk to you, please come back." The message after that said, "I'll be here when you get back from swimming."
I immediately wrote back asking her how she knew I'd been swimming. She ignored my question and just told me she was happy I was back.
I mean, I was on a trip to the beach. I suppose she could have just guessed I was out swimming. But I'd never been out swimming late at night like that, and I hadn't told her I planned to go swimming at night. I don't know; it's probably nothing, but it gave me the creeps.
Luna and I talked almost every night. The past few nights, though, she hasn't been online at all. I take that as a good sign; maybe she's been having less trouble getting to sleep. Alternately, maybe Donna's been using her laptop in the evenings and hasn't let Luna on to talk to me.
I've talked to Erin a fair few times, but just small talk. I pointedly haven't been discussing Luna with her. I think if I did tell her, she'd get concerned, and I don't want her to feel concerned about this. Whatever's up with Luna, I've got it under control.
Apart from the weirdness, it's been a good vacation, though. We stayed in a nice beach house a short distance from the ocean. I really like being near the sea; the smell of the ocean is amazing. It makes me feel strange to be near so much water. It's like standing at the edge of the world.
The ocean is a little scary because it's easy to forget that it's not just an empty expanse of water. It's full of life, so much more life than we have on land, so much of which is too tiny to see. Stuff like that is cool, but at the same time it kind of freaks me out.
Oh — I almost forgot. Luna's rock. I kept it in my suitcase the whole time we were there, except for a couple times when I took it out and held it up to my ear again. Sounds crazy, I know, but I just want to know whatever it is that Luna heard when she held it to her ear. It's probably just the blood rushing through her ears or something like that — like with seashells — but I think it's odd that she can hear something and I can't hear anything.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Finally home!
I have a lot to write about, but right now I need my sleep. It's not that late, but it's been a long day. Tired out. I'll write more in the morning.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Vacation
Well, we're a few days into the vacation now, and it's been pretty good so far. I'm here with my mother, my dad, my aunt and uncle on my mother's side, and their two children (Jamie, who's eight, and Kayla, who's three). I've been expected to watch the kids, which isn't too fun. Both of them are pretty nice kids on their own, but they squabble with each other all the time. (And, believe, me, Kayla is more than a match for Jamie in terms of squabbling, even though he's older.)
My mother keeps bragging about my "babysitting job" back home. I've quit trying to explain that it isn't like that, so instead I just smile and nod when she brings it up.
Luna's Skyped me every night, usually to voice chat. We usually make small talk or joke around; I try to keep things lighthearted. As the conversation begins to wind down, though, she always seems nervous, or anxious, or something, and I have to try and reassure her that she'll be able to sleep okay. She usually does manage to get to sleep normally, so I know I'm doing some good.
My mother also keeps talking about how I'm "writing a story" (a while ago I told her that I was writing original fiction when she asked me what I was always typing on my laptop). I've been forced to make up a story to tell my family when they ask. The story I've made up is about a little girl who talks to her stuffed animals and travels between the real world and the fantasy world with them. It's every lame overdone fantasy trope mashed together, and the little girl is pretty blatantly Luna, but I'm not trying to be creative, just trying to avoid letting my family know about this blog.
My mother keeps bragging about my "babysitting job" back home. I've quit trying to explain that it isn't like that, so instead I just smile and nod when she brings it up.
Luna's Skyped me every night, usually to voice chat. We usually make small talk or joke around; I try to keep things lighthearted. As the conversation begins to wind down, though, she always seems nervous, or anxious, or something, and I have to try and reassure her that she'll be able to sleep okay. She usually does manage to get to sleep normally, so I know I'm doing some good.
My mother also keeps talking about how I'm "writing a story" (a while ago I told her that I was writing original fiction when she asked me what I was always typing on my laptop). I've been forced to make up a story to tell my family when they ask. The story I've made up is about a little girl who talks to her stuffed animals and travels between the real world and the fantasy world with them. It's every lame overdone fantasy trope mashed together, and the little girl is pretty blatantly Luna, but I'm not trying to be creative, just trying to avoid letting my family know about this blog.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Special Rock
I went over to Luna's house to give her back her CD. Donna let me in and offered to just give the CD to Luna for me, but just as I was about to hand it to her Luna came down the stairs.
"Why are you here?" she asked me. Her tone sounded slightly hostile.
"Luna, mind your manners," Donna reproached. "Jackie's here to give you back your CD."
I held it out to her, but she shook her head. "Come upstairs," she told me, then turned and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. I followed.
Once we were in her bedroom, I tried to apologize. Said something about how I was sorry I hadn't told her about the vacation earlier, that it just "slipped my mind", something like that. I don't remember exactly what I said; I was babbling, honestly. I didn't want her to be mad at me. Not only could that mean the loss of a friend, it might mean the loss of a job.
Luna didn't talk to me or look at me during this, and finally I fell silent.
"I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone," she said quietly.
I tried apologizing again, but she cut me off. "Last time you were gone I barely slept at all. What am I going to do this time? What if it gets even worse?"
Her eyes were wide and accusatory. It was almost frightening. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but Luna has pretty unusual eyes. They're very large and round and gray — and I don't mean gray-blue, I mean gray like the eyes of a black-and-white photograph. I've never seen anyone with so little color in their eyes.
"I'm so sorry," I said quietly. "I didn't know it was that bad for you when I was gone."
Luna slumped onto the bed face-first. "Sorry," she said, voice muffled. "I didn't mean to get mad at you. It's not your fault. You didn't know."
"Look," I ventured, "maybe when I'm on vacation I can call you at night, or you can call me. Okay?" She sat up, giving me her full attention. "We could Skype with each other or something. Do you have a Skype account?"
Luna shook her head.
"You could make one. It's easy. I'll show you how. Then we can chat with each other — audio or video chat, if you want, or just text. It's what I use to talk to Erin."
"Can you show me how to make one?"
"Sure, if you get the laptop."
Luna left the room and returned with Donna's laptop. We set up a Skype account for her together (Donna didn't have Skype installed, so it took a little while.) As I was explaining how it worked to her, Luna suddenly jumped up and pulled a shoebox out from under her bed. She handed it to me.
"Open it."
I did. Inside was a reddish-brown rock, worn smooth as though by water. I picked it up. It wasn't very big — a little smaller than my fist — but it was surprisingly heavy.
"What's this?"
"My grandma gave it to me," Luna said. "It's special."
"Seems like kind of an odd present," I ventured.
"No," Luna told me, shaking her head emphatically. "You don't get it. It's not an ordinary rock."
"What's special about it?"
She looked at me like I was stupid. "Don't you feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"It doesn't feel special to you?" Luna made a vague gesture with her hands. "Like, you can't feel it... come on! You don't feel how warm it is?"
"It doesn't really feel warm to me."
"You don't hear it? Put it up to your ear."
I raised the rock to my ear, feeling distinctly idiotic. "No, I can't hear anything."
"That's strange." Luna frowned. "We can hear it. Why can't you hear it?"
"Who's we?"
"I mean, I." Luna frowned again. "Sorry," she said as if to the air, not looking at me.
"Well, anyway, I should head home. Thanks anyway." I started to get up, but she tugged me back down into a sitting position. "Luna, let me go, kid. I have to finish packing."
"I don't want you to leave," she said quietly.
"I know. But I'll be back before you know it. Promise."
"When?" Luna asked. "What day?"
"Ten days from now. The 22nd. That's not too long away."
She gave me a look like a hurt kitten, and I felt instantly awful for suggesting that the 22nd was anything short of a lifetime away. "Sorry. We can talk every day if you want. Whatever makes you feel better, okay?"
Luna nodded slowly, then slipped her hand into mine. I put my arm around her. We just sat like that for a while.
Finally, I disentangled myself and told her I had to leave. Luna nodded (it was like she was giving me permission) and offered to walk me downstairs. I almost laughed, because she was treating me like I was the twelve-year-old and she was the fifteen-year-old.
When we reached the bottom of the stairs, she slipped the smooth rock into my hands and told me to take it with me. She looked so earnest I didn't even ask her why.
I biked home with the rock in the front pocket of my sweatshirt. It kept knocking against my stomach as I rode. I didn't feel it much at the time, but now it's starting to ache. I think I might even have a bruise.
"Why are you here?" she asked me. Her tone sounded slightly hostile.
"Luna, mind your manners," Donna reproached. "Jackie's here to give you back your CD."
I held it out to her, but she shook her head. "Come upstairs," she told me, then turned and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. I followed.
Once we were in her bedroom, I tried to apologize. Said something about how I was sorry I hadn't told her about the vacation earlier, that it just "slipped my mind", something like that. I don't remember exactly what I said; I was babbling, honestly. I didn't want her to be mad at me. Not only could that mean the loss of a friend, it might mean the loss of a job.
Luna didn't talk to me or look at me during this, and finally I fell silent.
"I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone," she said quietly.
I tried apologizing again, but she cut me off. "Last time you were gone I barely slept at all. What am I going to do this time? What if it gets even worse?"
Her eyes were wide and accusatory. It was almost frightening. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but Luna has pretty unusual eyes. They're very large and round and gray — and I don't mean gray-blue, I mean gray like the eyes of a black-and-white photograph. I've never seen anyone with so little color in their eyes.
"I'm so sorry," I said quietly. "I didn't know it was that bad for you when I was gone."
Luna slumped onto the bed face-first. "Sorry," she said, voice muffled. "I didn't mean to get mad at you. It's not your fault. You didn't know."
"Look," I ventured, "maybe when I'm on vacation I can call you at night, or you can call me. Okay?" She sat up, giving me her full attention. "We could Skype with each other or something. Do you have a Skype account?"
Luna shook her head.
"You could make one. It's easy. I'll show you how. Then we can chat with each other — audio or video chat, if you want, or just text. It's what I use to talk to Erin."
"Can you show me how to make one?"
"Sure, if you get the laptop."
Luna left the room and returned with Donna's laptop. We set up a Skype account for her together (Donna didn't have Skype installed, so it took a little while.) As I was explaining how it worked to her, Luna suddenly jumped up and pulled a shoebox out from under her bed. She handed it to me.
"Open it."
I did. Inside was a reddish-brown rock, worn smooth as though by water. I picked it up. It wasn't very big — a little smaller than my fist — but it was surprisingly heavy.
"What's this?"
"My grandma gave it to me," Luna said. "It's special."
"Seems like kind of an odd present," I ventured.
"No," Luna told me, shaking her head emphatically. "You don't get it. It's not an ordinary rock."
"What's special about it?"
She looked at me like I was stupid. "Don't you feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"It doesn't feel special to you?" Luna made a vague gesture with her hands. "Like, you can't feel it... come on! You don't feel how warm it is?"
"It doesn't really feel warm to me."
"You don't hear it? Put it up to your ear."
I raised the rock to my ear, feeling distinctly idiotic. "No, I can't hear anything."
"That's strange." Luna frowned. "We can hear it. Why can't you hear it?"
"Who's we?"
"I mean, I." Luna frowned again. "Sorry," she said as if to the air, not looking at me.
"Well, anyway, I should head home. Thanks anyway." I started to get up, but she tugged me back down into a sitting position. "Luna, let me go, kid. I have to finish packing."
"I don't want you to leave," she said quietly.
"I know. But I'll be back before you know it. Promise."
"When?" Luna asked. "What day?"
"Ten days from now. The 22nd. That's not too long away."
She gave me a look like a hurt kitten, and I felt instantly awful for suggesting that the 22nd was anything short of a lifetime away. "Sorry. We can talk every day if you want. Whatever makes you feel better, okay?"
Luna nodded slowly, then slipped her hand into mine. I put my arm around her. We just sat like that for a while.
Finally, I disentangled myself and told her I had to leave. Luna nodded (it was like she was giving me permission) and offered to walk me downstairs. I almost laughed, because she was treating me like I was the twelve-year-old and she was the fifteen-year-old.
When we reached the bottom of the stairs, she slipped the smooth rock into my hands and told me to take it with me. She looked so earnest I didn't even ask her why.
I biked home with the rock in the front pocket of my sweatshirt. It kept knocking against my stomach as I rode. I didn't feel it much at the time, but now it's starting to ache. I think I might even have a bruise.
I've got almost everything packed for vacation. I can't stand packing; it always makes me feel like I'm forgetting to pack something really important, even if I'm not.
Luna's Emilie Autumn CD is still over at my house. I just found it; I had mistakenly put it with my own CDs. It's starting to get late, but maybe I can head over to Luna's and return it. She must be missing it.
Luna's Emilie Autumn CD is still over at my house. I just found it; I had mistakenly put it with my own CDs. It's starting to get late, but maybe I can head over to Luna's and return it. She must be missing it.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
It took me a while to get up the nerve to ask Luna what I wanted to ask her. I don't know why I got nervous; it's just my usual fear of confrontation, I suppose, though I hardly expected Luna to be the confrontational type. (We've never even had an argument.)
Finally, though, I got up the nerve to ask her "Are you okay?"
It doesn't sound like a scary question to ask somebody, but it is if you're expecting the answer to be "No".
Luna didn't answer me at first. She seemed taken aback by the question. "Yeah," she said finally. "I'm fine."
"You sure? Everything's okay?"
"Yeah. We're having fun, right?" Luna looked at me as if fearful that I'd say no.
"Definitely," I reassured her. "It's just that..." I wasn't sure how to explain my doubts as to her mental state to her. Everything seemed a little odd in ways I couldn't quite put a finger on.
Lately, Luna's been acting kind of anxious. She spends a lot of time staring out the windows at, so far as I can tell, nothing in particular; or, if we're outside, up at the sky. Sometimes she'll seem totally normal and happy, other times she'll be inexplicably melancholy, and she can move between the two states in the course of a single day. She doesn't seem to have as much energy as she used to. There are darkening circles under her eyes.
Then there's the actual incidents of truly weird behavior; the trancelike states induced by staring at where her old house once stood, the time she showed up unexplained outside my house late in the evening.
"It's just that you seem a little down lately," I finished lamely.
Luna considered. "I'm okay," she said. "I'm not, like, depressed. I don't think. How do you tell if you're depressed?"
"I don't know. You feel sad all the time?" I really know next to nothing about clinical depression. "Look, Luna, you know you can tell me anything, alright? Anything. I want to be able to help you. That's what friendship is about, after all."
There was a long silence. Luna appeared to be thinking things over. She fidgeted nervously, clasping and unclasping her hands in her lap.
"Can we talk somewhere else?" she asked me.
We were sitting out on Luna's sagging back porch. She got up, grabbed my hand — for a kid her size, she's pretty strong — and pulled me to my feet, then led me inside the house and up the stairs to her bedroom.
Once we were inside, she shut the door, then turned the skeleton key in the lock. The door made a rusty clicking noise. For a crazy second I felt as though I was in a horror film and Luna was about to get out an axe and chop me to bits.
"Okay," Luna said, turning to me with a very serious expression on her face. She gestured for me to sit down on her bed. I did so.
"I've been having trouble sleeping," she told me quietly.
I felt almost disappointed. That was it? I'd expected something much more dramatic — I wasn't sure what, but definitely more exciting than a little insomnia.
"I can't sleep when it's dark out," Luna continued. "If I go to bed when it's still light, sometimes that's okay. But then I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep until the sun starts rising."
"Why do you think that is?"
Luna shrugged and looked pensive. "Um... maybe because it's so quiet here at night, compared to the city?"
"You'd think you'd be used to that by now," I pointed out. "It's been months since you moved."
"It's not just the quiet, though. It's the dark. It wasn't so dark at night in the city, either." Luna frowned. "I had trouble sleeping almost ever since we moved, up until around the time you and me started going to the movies together. Then it got better and I could sleep normally again. Then it got worse again and now it's even worse than it was to begin with."
"So has this been happening every night?"
"Almost every," Luna said. Then she leaned forward confidentially, her eyes shining. "It's better when I talk to you or hang out with you before bed. You really help, Jack, even if you don't know it. It was awful when you were gone."
I remembered suddenly that I'd never told her about my upcoming vacation.
"Thanks," I said awkwardly. "Anything I can do to help, you know..."
"You could talk to me more," Luna ventured. "We could call on the phone when you can't come over. Talking to you makes me feel safer. You know..." She trailed off, looking as though she wanted to say something more, but didn't.
"I can definitely talk to you more," I reassured her, "if that helps."
"It really does." Luna was smiling widely. "Thanks, Jack!"
She sounded so sincere and happy, I couldn't help but grin back at her.
Finally, though, I got up the nerve to ask her "Are you okay?"
It doesn't sound like a scary question to ask somebody, but it is if you're expecting the answer to be "No".
Luna didn't answer me at first. She seemed taken aback by the question. "Yeah," she said finally. "I'm fine."
"You sure? Everything's okay?"
"Yeah. We're having fun, right?" Luna looked at me as if fearful that I'd say no.
"Definitely," I reassured her. "It's just that..." I wasn't sure how to explain my doubts as to her mental state to her. Everything seemed a little odd in ways I couldn't quite put a finger on.
Lately, Luna's been acting kind of anxious. She spends a lot of time staring out the windows at, so far as I can tell, nothing in particular; or, if we're outside, up at the sky. Sometimes she'll seem totally normal and happy, other times she'll be inexplicably melancholy, and she can move between the two states in the course of a single day. She doesn't seem to have as much energy as she used to. There are darkening circles under her eyes.
Then there's the actual incidents of truly weird behavior; the trancelike states induced by staring at where her old house once stood, the time she showed up unexplained outside my house late in the evening.
"It's just that you seem a little down lately," I finished lamely.
Luna considered. "I'm okay," she said. "I'm not, like, depressed. I don't think. How do you tell if you're depressed?"
"I don't know. You feel sad all the time?" I really know next to nothing about clinical depression. "Look, Luna, you know you can tell me anything, alright? Anything. I want to be able to help you. That's what friendship is about, after all."
There was a long silence. Luna appeared to be thinking things over. She fidgeted nervously, clasping and unclasping her hands in her lap.
"Can we talk somewhere else?" she asked me.
We were sitting out on Luna's sagging back porch. She got up, grabbed my hand — for a kid her size, she's pretty strong — and pulled me to my feet, then led me inside the house and up the stairs to her bedroom.
Once we were inside, she shut the door, then turned the skeleton key in the lock. The door made a rusty clicking noise. For a crazy second I felt as though I was in a horror film and Luna was about to get out an axe and chop me to bits.
"Okay," Luna said, turning to me with a very serious expression on her face. She gestured for me to sit down on her bed. I did so.
"I've been having trouble sleeping," she told me quietly.
I felt almost disappointed. That was it? I'd expected something much more dramatic — I wasn't sure what, but definitely more exciting than a little insomnia.
"I can't sleep when it's dark out," Luna continued. "If I go to bed when it's still light, sometimes that's okay. But then I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep until the sun starts rising."
"Why do you think that is?"
Luna shrugged and looked pensive. "Um... maybe because it's so quiet here at night, compared to the city?"
"You'd think you'd be used to that by now," I pointed out. "It's been months since you moved."
"It's not just the quiet, though. It's the dark. It wasn't so dark at night in the city, either." Luna frowned. "I had trouble sleeping almost ever since we moved, up until around the time you and me started going to the movies together. Then it got better and I could sleep normally again. Then it got worse again and now it's even worse than it was to begin with."
"So has this been happening every night?"
"Almost every," Luna said. Then she leaned forward confidentially, her eyes shining. "It's better when I talk to you or hang out with you before bed. You really help, Jack, even if you don't know it. It was awful when you were gone."
I remembered suddenly that I'd never told her about my upcoming vacation.
"Thanks," I said awkwardly. "Anything I can do to help, you know..."
"You could talk to me more," Luna ventured. "We could call on the phone when you can't come over. Talking to you makes me feel safer. You know..." She trailed off, looking as though she wanted to say something more, but didn't.
"I can definitely talk to you more," I reassured her, "if that helps."
"It really does." Luna was smiling widely. "Thanks, Jack!"
She sounded so sincere and happy, I couldn't help but grin back at her.
Going over to see Luna.
I really want to talk to her about some things. I'll post later about how it goes.
Oh yeah — dream!
So last night I dreamed I was staying over at Luna's house. We were having a sleepover, which we've never actually done in real life. For some reason, we were sleeping in the living room rather than Luna's bedroom.
I think we were watching a movie or something first, though I don't remember what we were watching. It must have been a funny movie, because Luna kept giggling. I remember smelling popcorn, but I don't remember actually eating any popcorn.
When the movie was over we went to bed. There was only one sleeping bag and pillow. I offered it to Luna, but she wouldn't take it. I kept telling her to take the sleeping bag and pillow and that I could sleep on the couch. She kept refusing. Finally she told me something like "I'm not going to sleep anyway, Jack." For some reason I quit protesting after that — or I think I did, because I can't remember what happened right after that very clearly.
The next thing I remember happening in the dream was getting up and walking outside. As soon as I was out of the house, the house was gone. The ruins of Luna's old house were there in its place. I knew suddenly that Luna was down by the pond, at the willow tree. I tried walking towards it, but I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. It was as though I was walking in place. Even though it was night, it wasn't very dark. Everything looked black and white in the moonlight.
Sort of a weird dream, I guess. It sounds odder on paper. It didn't strike me as particularly odd while it was happening.
So last night I dreamed I was staying over at Luna's house. We were having a sleepover, which we've never actually done in real life. For some reason, we were sleeping in the living room rather than Luna's bedroom.
I think we were watching a movie or something first, though I don't remember what we were watching. It must have been a funny movie, because Luna kept giggling. I remember smelling popcorn, but I don't remember actually eating any popcorn.
When the movie was over we went to bed. There was only one sleeping bag and pillow. I offered it to Luna, but she wouldn't take it. I kept telling her to take the sleeping bag and pillow and that I could sleep on the couch. She kept refusing. Finally she told me something like "I'm not going to sleep anyway, Jack." For some reason I quit protesting after that — or I think I did, because I can't remember what happened right after that very clearly.
The next thing I remember happening in the dream was getting up and walking outside. As soon as I was out of the house, the house was gone. The ruins of Luna's old house were there in its place. I knew suddenly that Luna was down by the pond, at the willow tree. I tried walking towards it, but I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. It was as though I was walking in place. Even though it was night, it wasn't very dark. Everything looked black and white in the moonlight.
Sort of a weird dream, I guess. It sounds odder on paper. It didn't strike me as particularly odd while it was happening.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
"I don't want to think about night right now."
I met Luna by the pond like she'd asked me to. She was by the willow tree, which didn't surprise me; I'd expected her to be there.
"Hey," I said. "You slept kinda late."
Luna nodded. She had faint dark circles under her eyes.
"You okay?"
"Fine," she said, not looking at me.
"Want to go do something?"
"Like what?"
I thought. "Uh... we could go downtown, take a walk. It's a nice day. Or we could watch something. Or just hang out and talk. Whatever you wanna do."
"Let's take a walk," Luna decided, then immediately started off without waiting for a response from me.
I followed her. It took me a second to realize she was leading me over towards the ruins of her old house again.
"Any reason we're going over there?"
"I want to look at it," Luna said without turning around. She was walking so fast she was practically running. I broke into a half-jog to catch up with her.
We reached the ruins. The scene felt eerily familiar; again, Luna went to stand where the front door must have been once, staring as if in a trance. Her head was tilted up towards the sky, and for a second it occurred to me that maybe she was looking up at where the roof of the house would have been before it burned down. The way she was staring made my skin crawl; it looked almost as if she could see the house there, like it had never burned down at all.
"Have you done enough looking?" I asked after a few minutes of this.
At the sound of my voice, Luna blinked several times, then shook her head rapidly from side to side, her hair flying out around her. It wasn't a headshake meaning "no"; she looked as if she were trying to snap herself out of the trance she'd apparently fallen into.
"I'm sorry," she told me. "I just... I just needed to..."
She blinked rapidly again. I wondered if she was going to cry, but she didn't.
"Look," I said, trying to break the tension, "it can't have been easy having your old house burn down like that. I get it."
Luna shook her head slowly. "No, you don't. It's not..." She took a deep breath. "It's fine. It doesn't really matter. Come on, let's go downtown."
Again, she led and I followed.
We didn't talk on the way to Main Street, but once we'd gotten there conversation resumed as normal. Neither of us talked about the earlier incident; it was as if it had never happened. We walked around, got cold drinks, chatted. It was a very nice day, so we sat out in the sun for a while not talking much at all, just enjoying the weather.
Luna asked me if I'd been writing down my dreams. I told her I had, and she asked me what they'd been about. I told her the one I could remember, about the beach house. She seemed interested.
"Your dreams sound pretty nice," she told me.
"I don't know about nice. It was kind of a weird dream."
"But nothing bad happened in it. Right?"
"The absence of bad things isn't the same as nice," I pointed out.
Luna shrugged. "I guess."
"Do you have a lot of nightmares or something?" I asked her. The dreams Luna had related to me in the past mostly sounded innocuous.
Luna hesitated. "Sometimes," she said carefully. "But I don't want to talk about that right now. It's a nice day. I don't want to think about night right now."
I don't want to think about night right now. That line stuck with me. It seems like such odd phrasing.
Eventually we both headed back to Luna's house. She invited me to stay for lunch, but I didn't feel in the mood, so I took my bike and went home.
"Hey," I said. "You slept kinda late."
Luna nodded. She had faint dark circles under her eyes.
"You okay?"
"Fine," she said, not looking at me.
"Want to go do something?"
"Like what?"
I thought. "Uh... we could go downtown, take a walk. It's a nice day. Or we could watch something. Or just hang out and talk. Whatever you wanna do."
"Let's take a walk," Luna decided, then immediately started off without waiting for a response from me.
I followed her. It took me a second to realize she was leading me over towards the ruins of her old house again.
"Any reason we're going over there?"
"I want to look at it," Luna said without turning around. She was walking so fast she was practically running. I broke into a half-jog to catch up with her.
We reached the ruins. The scene felt eerily familiar; again, Luna went to stand where the front door must have been once, staring as if in a trance. Her head was tilted up towards the sky, and for a second it occurred to me that maybe she was looking up at where the roof of the house would have been before it burned down. The way she was staring made my skin crawl; it looked almost as if she could see the house there, like it had never burned down at all.
"Have you done enough looking?" I asked after a few minutes of this.
At the sound of my voice, Luna blinked several times, then shook her head rapidly from side to side, her hair flying out around her. It wasn't a headshake meaning "no"; she looked as if she were trying to snap herself out of the trance she'd apparently fallen into.
"I'm sorry," she told me. "I just... I just needed to..."
She blinked rapidly again. I wondered if she was going to cry, but she didn't.
"Look," I said, trying to break the tension, "it can't have been easy having your old house burn down like that. I get it."
Luna shook her head slowly. "No, you don't. It's not..." She took a deep breath. "It's fine. It doesn't really matter. Come on, let's go downtown."
Again, she led and I followed.
We didn't talk on the way to Main Street, but once we'd gotten there conversation resumed as normal. Neither of us talked about the earlier incident; it was as if it had never happened. We walked around, got cold drinks, chatted. It was a very nice day, so we sat out in the sun for a while not talking much at all, just enjoying the weather.
Luna asked me if I'd been writing down my dreams. I told her I had, and she asked me what they'd been about. I told her the one I could remember, about the beach house. She seemed interested.
"Your dreams sound pretty nice," she told me.
"I don't know about nice. It was kind of a weird dream."
"But nothing bad happened in it. Right?"
"The absence of bad things isn't the same as nice," I pointed out.
Luna shrugged. "I guess."
"Do you have a lot of nightmares or something?" I asked her. The dreams Luna had related to me in the past mostly sounded innocuous.
Luna hesitated. "Sometimes," she said carefully. "But I don't want to talk about that right now. It's a nice day. I don't want to think about night right now."
I don't want to think about night right now. That line stuck with me. It seems like such odd phrasing.
Eventually we both headed back to Luna's house. She invited me to stay for lunch, but I didn't feel in the mood, so I took my bike and went home.
Luna was still asleep when I went over there. Donna met me at the door to tell me so.
"She's been sleeping in a lot lately," she told me. "I think she might be having a growth spurt."
I wouldn't be surprised if she was. Luna looks like she's overdue for a growth spurt. She's pretty short for her age, and neither of her parents are short people. (Her dad's not very tall, but not short, either. Donna's about my height: five foot ten or thereabouts.)
I asked Donna if I should come back later. She told me she'll have Luna call me when she wakes up.
"She's been sleeping in a lot lately," she told me. "I think she might be having a growth spurt."
I wouldn't be surprised if she was. Luna looks like she's overdue for a growth spurt. She's pretty short for her age, and neither of her parents are short people. (Her dad's not very tall, but not short, either. Donna's about my height: five foot ten or thereabouts.)
I asked Donna if I should come back later. She told me she'll have Luna call me when she wakes up.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Okay, I'm giving this dream blogging thing a shot.
Last night I dreamed I was at the beach. We were staying in a large beach house, one of the ones with three or four floors and a kitchen on the top floor. There were several sets of staircases and I kept getting lost, though that may have also been due to the house having some sort of impossible geometry — you know how things get with dream logic.
I was a little kid. I'm not sure how old, but I know I was younger because I was shorter. I remember looking up into my mom's face in the dream; I'm too tall for that now.
There were fireworks going outside. I could hear them. Every time I went to look out the window at them, though, it was midday and the sun was shining.
That's mostly what I remember. The other thing I can remember most vividly is the smell. Sort of ocean mixed with scented candles. (I think I must have remembered this smell from some previous beach vacation.)
I was a little kid. I'm not sure how old, but I know I was younger because I was shorter. I remember looking up into my mom's face in the dream; I'm too tall for that now.
There were fireworks going outside. I could hear them. Every time I went to look out the window at them, though, it was midday and the sun was shining.
That's mostly what I remember. The other thing I can remember most vividly is the smell. Sort of ocean mixed with scented candles. (I think I must have remembered this smell from some previous beach vacation.)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Another chatlog
[8/7/12 5:04:12 PM] Jack Q: Hey, random question, but do you ever write down your dreams?
[8/7/12 5:26:24 PM] erin out of gas: no?
[8/7/12 5:26:30 PM] erin out of gas: why
[8/7/12 5:26:49 PM] Jack Q: Luna suggested I start doing that.
[8/7/12 5:27:52 PM] erin out of gas: why did she suggest that?
[8/7/12 5:28:04 PM] Jack Q: Because I can never remember my dreams.
[8/7/12 5:28:23 PM] erin out of gas: really?
[8/7/12 5:29:38 PM] erin out of gas: never? i usually remember mine
[8/7/12 5:29:44 PM] Jack Q: What'd you dream about last night, then?
[8/7/12 5:31:14 PM] erin out of gas: dreamed i was at a middle school bball tournament with a couple cute dudes
[8/7/12 5:31:33 PM] erin out of gas: like there was literally nobody there but me and these two guys
[8/7/12 5:31:41 PM] erin out of gas: i guess we got there early?? or something idk
[8/7/12 5:32:08 PM] erin out of gas: nothing really happened. i kept trying to call my mom to come pick me up bc there was nothing to do other than watch these two guys hit on each other which was kinda awkward even tho they were hot
[8/7/12 5:33:51 PM] Jack Q: ...Okay then.
[8/7/12 5:34:10 PM] erin out of gas: hang on i even remember what they looked like! one was really tall and skinny w/black hair, the other one was shorter and his hair was dyed pink. he had a lotta freckles man it was adorable
[8/7/12 5:34:26 PM] erin out of gas: the pink haired one looked real punk rock he was a serious cutie
[8/7/12 5:34:35 PM] erin out of gas: other guy had a suit on. nice suit too
[8/7/12 5:35:40 PM] Jack Q: You remember a lot of details from your dreams, huh?
[8/7/12 5:36:02 PM] erin out of gas: well not always
[8/7/12 5:36:11 PM] erin out of gas: but when theres cute guys in them i guess i do lmao
[8/7/12 5:38:58 PM] erin out of gas: so u and luna talking about dreams huh?
[8/7/12 5:39:03 PM] Jack Q: She talks to me about hers sometimes. She seems to remember her dreams most of the time.
[8/7/12 5:39:17 PM] Jack Q: Usually I don't remember more of my dreams than a single image or scene or feeling. Usually just a feeling.
[8/7/12 5:39:28 PM] Jack Q: Luna told me I should try writing my dreams down and that'd help me remember them. I was just asking you because I was curious if you'd ever tried that.
[8/7/12 5:40:07 PM] erin out of gas: no i don't think i ever have!
[8/7/12 5:40:15 PM] erin out of gas: i mean maybe i did like once
[8/7/12 5:40:31 PM] erin out of gas: actually i seem to vaguely recall some teacher asking us to keep "dream journals" in like eighth grade or somethgin
[8/7/12 5:40:33 PM] erin out of gas: something*
[8/7/12 5:40:40 PM] erin out of gas: but i can't remember if i actually did that or just made things up aha
[8/7/12 5:40:59 PM] erin out of gas: i thank god every day that i graduated middle school man that shit was rough
[8/7/12 5:41:03 PM] erin out of gas: in a way you're lucky
[8/7/12 5:41:57 PM] Jack Q: Yeah, I'm glad I got out of there when I did.
[8/7/12 5:42:08 PM] erin out of gas: you should be glad dude it worked out for the best
[8/7/12 5:42:46 PM] erin out of gas: how's luna? still acting weird?
[8/7/12 5:43:00 PM] Jack Q: She's fine.
[8/7/12 5:43:16 PM] erin out of gas: good. good to hear.
[8/7/12 5:45:09 PM] erin out of gas: i gotta go. talk l8r dude
[8/7/12 5:26:24 PM] erin out of gas: no?
[8/7/12 5:26:30 PM] erin out of gas: why
[8/7/12 5:26:49 PM] Jack Q: Luna suggested I start doing that.
[8/7/12 5:27:52 PM] erin out of gas: why did she suggest that?
[8/7/12 5:28:04 PM] Jack Q: Because I can never remember my dreams.
[8/7/12 5:28:23 PM] erin out of gas: really?
[8/7/12 5:29:38 PM] erin out of gas: never? i usually remember mine
[8/7/12 5:29:44 PM] Jack Q: What'd you dream about last night, then?
[8/7/12 5:31:14 PM] erin out of gas: dreamed i was at a middle school bball tournament with a couple cute dudes
[8/7/12 5:31:33 PM] erin out of gas: like there was literally nobody there but me and these two guys
[8/7/12 5:31:41 PM] erin out of gas: i guess we got there early?? or something idk
[8/7/12 5:32:08 PM] erin out of gas: nothing really happened. i kept trying to call my mom to come pick me up bc there was nothing to do other than watch these two guys hit on each other which was kinda awkward even tho they were hot
[8/7/12 5:33:51 PM] Jack Q: ...Okay then.
[8/7/12 5:34:10 PM] erin out of gas: hang on i even remember what they looked like! one was really tall and skinny w/black hair, the other one was shorter and his hair was dyed pink. he had a lotta freckles man it was adorable
[8/7/12 5:34:26 PM] erin out of gas: the pink haired one looked real punk rock he was a serious cutie
[8/7/12 5:34:35 PM] erin out of gas: other guy had a suit on. nice suit too
[8/7/12 5:35:40 PM] Jack Q: You remember a lot of details from your dreams, huh?
[8/7/12 5:36:02 PM] erin out of gas: well not always
[8/7/12 5:36:11 PM] erin out of gas: but when theres cute guys in them i guess i do lmao
[8/7/12 5:38:58 PM] erin out of gas: so u and luna talking about dreams huh?
[8/7/12 5:39:03 PM] Jack Q: She talks to me about hers sometimes. She seems to remember her dreams most of the time.
[8/7/12 5:39:17 PM] Jack Q: Usually I don't remember more of my dreams than a single image or scene or feeling. Usually just a feeling.
[8/7/12 5:39:28 PM] Jack Q: Luna told me I should try writing my dreams down and that'd help me remember them. I was just asking you because I was curious if you'd ever tried that.
[8/7/12 5:40:07 PM] erin out of gas: no i don't think i ever have!
[8/7/12 5:40:15 PM] erin out of gas: i mean maybe i did like once
[8/7/12 5:40:31 PM] erin out of gas: actually i seem to vaguely recall some teacher asking us to keep "dream journals" in like eighth grade or somethgin
[8/7/12 5:40:33 PM] erin out of gas: something*
[8/7/12 5:40:40 PM] erin out of gas: but i can't remember if i actually did that or just made things up aha
[8/7/12 5:40:59 PM] erin out of gas: i thank god every day that i graduated middle school man that shit was rough
[8/7/12 5:41:03 PM] erin out of gas: in a way you're lucky
[8/7/12 5:41:57 PM] Jack Q: Yeah, I'm glad I got out of there when I did.
[8/7/12 5:42:08 PM] erin out of gas: you should be glad dude it worked out for the best
[8/7/12 5:42:46 PM] erin out of gas: how's luna? still acting weird?
[8/7/12 5:43:00 PM] Jack Q: She's fine.
[8/7/12 5:43:16 PM] erin out of gas: good. good to hear.
[8/7/12 5:45:09 PM] erin out of gas: i gotta go. talk l8r dude
I told Luna I dreamed about her. She was excited at first and asked me a lot of questions, but got disappointed when I told her I couldn't remember the specifics.
"You should start writing about your dreams," she told me. "It helps me remember them to write them down."
I told her I'd tried writing it down in the morning as soon as I woke up, but that I wasn't able to hold on to the dream for long enough.
"Maybe if you get in the habit it'll be easier," Luna told me.
"Okay," I said, "I guess I could start blogging my dreams or something."
"You have a blog?" Luna asked, interested.
Crap. "Yeah."
"Can I see it?"
"You don't want to," I told her. "It's... uh, it's really boring. Almost nothing on it. I just made it last week."
She nodded. "Yeah. I tried blogging but I guess I sort of gave up."
She didn't press the issue. Still, a close call.
I might take her advice and start trying to write down my dreams, though. It'll be something to do, at least.
"You should start writing about your dreams," she told me. "It helps me remember them to write them down."
I told her I'd tried writing it down in the morning as soon as I woke up, but that I wasn't able to hold on to the dream for long enough.
"Maybe if you get in the habit it'll be easier," Luna told me.
"Okay," I said, "I guess I could start blogging my dreams or something."
"You have a blog?" Luna asked, interested.
Crap. "Yeah."
"Can I see it?"
"You don't want to," I told her. "It's... uh, it's really boring. Almost nothing on it. I just made it last week."
She nodded. "Yeah. I tried blogging but I guess I sort of gave up."
She didn't press the issue. Still, a close call.
I might take her advice and start trying to write down my dreams, though. It'll be something to do, at least.
Strange...
Last night I dreamed about Luna. I don't remember the dream vividly; it's fading already, but I remember Luna being in it. I remember her face in the dream very clearly.
Power of suggestion, I suppose?
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sh*t Luna Says
So I finally brought a notebook over to Luna's house so I could write down some of the crazy stuff she tells me about her dreams, her stuffed animals, the imaginary friends she had as a kid, etc.
Here's what I got:
Here's what I got:
- Luna's had recurring dreams about her old house ever since it burned down. Usually in the dreams the house is still there and looks the way it looked when she lived there, but sometimes in the dream she'll enter a room of the house and find it completely blackened and charred from fire. She says that in pretty much all of these dreams, she can smell smoke.
- Luna also told me that sometimes when she has these dreams she wakes up and doesn't know where she is because for a minute she forgets that her old house burned down and that she lives somewhere else now. She says sometimes she goes over to where her old house used to stand so that she can see it's gone. To remind herself, she said.
- When she was little she had an imaginary friend named Gwen or Gwyn (I forgot to write the friend's name down and now I can't remember which it was). Gwen/Gwyn was very tall and skinny with long dark hair. Luna described her as looking "sort of like a big black bird, like a crow or a raven or something". What I found odd was that Luna says she never played any games with Gwen/Gwyn, or even talked to her much; Gwen or Gwyn or whatever she was called would just be there in the room with her, watching her. Sometimes she would talk, but usually it was stories about herself. Luna told me she couldn't remember the stories.
- She has about seven stuffed animals with names and an additional four she just calls "the bears" because they're all teddy bears. The ones with names are: Trees (a red-eyed treefrog, missing one of its eyes), Sunny Boy (a lion with a ratty mane), Cookie (a dalmatian), Ratty (despite the name, I'm pretty sure this stuffed animal was intended to be a mouse), Mr. Blake Richardson (a plush cat with an alarmingly wide Cheshire-cat grin), Ella (a gray-and-white cat, though the white parts of its fur were very discolored from age), and Monday (a blue rabbit with a ribbon around its neck; the ribbon looked a lot newer than the plush toy itself).
- Most of the stuffed animals have been Luna's since she was a baby. She says the exception is Mr. Blake Richardson, who she got for her birthday a few years ago. (Also, Ella used to belong to Donna, which I suppose explains why the fur is so discolored.)
- Luna seemed a little embarrassed talking about her stuffed animals, so I didn't push her too much on the subject. Though I remember her previously talking about their personalities and relationships with each other (usually just mentioning in passing, but that suggests she's got some elaborate story worked out for them), so maybe I'll ask her about it again some other time.
- As I was leaving, Luna asked me if I'd ever had a dream about her. I told her that no, I never had. She seemed a little disappointed and told me that she dreamed about me sometimes. I was usually just a passive observer in her dreams, though; sort of like her imaginary friend was a passive observer in her life, I guess.
Luna's a pretty interesting person. Kind of weird, and some of this stuff seems babyish for a girl her age, but nonetheless, I think it's interesting.
(If you're wondering, I got away with taking notes about her in her presence by telling her it was for a summer homework assignment where I had to ask someone about what they were like as a kid. Since I'm homeschooled and Luna doesn't know much about my dad's style of teaching, she believed me.)
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sleepwalking?
Today Donna couldn't make it to lunch, so I had lunch with Luna's father (first name: Matt) instead. He reminds me of his daughter in some ways; not only does he look like her, but he shares many of her mannerisms. In particular, he tends to gaze off into nowhere, seemingly completely zoned out, then suddenly fix you with the full intensity of his stare in a way that makes it clear he's 100% present. I've become fairly used to Luna doing this, but it's still unnerving.
Matt didn't talk a lot during lunch; mostly he munched his sandwich and looked out the window. We had several brief conversations, most of them small talk, that died after a few sentences.
Finally, it was starting to get a little too weird, so I reminded him that usually the purpose of these lunchtime meetups is so that we can talk about how Luna's been doing. He looked a bit surprised, blinked, then said "You're right!" and laughed as if it was very silly of him to have forgotten. (Which it was.)
"I kind of wanted to ask you about the other day, when Luna showed up at my house," I told him. I would have felt awkward bringing that up to Donna, but Luna's dad felt less intimidating. Possibly because he just didn't seem like much of an authority figure.
"Oh, yeah." He nodded as though he had expected the question. "Yeah, um, I think Luna still needs to adjust to having less free rein here than she did in the city."
That didn't explain much. "Why do you think she came over to my house, though? She never told me."
He shrugged. "Maybe she wanted to talk to you? I don't know. She gets impulses sometimes and acts on them without thinking through."
It seemed odd that she would come over to my house on impulse without some specific reason, but I let it drop.
"If you don't mind me asking, why is she being given less freedom here than she was in the city?"
He paused and scratched his head. "Donna and I felt like maybe we gave her a little too much freedom in the city. She was out a lot and we didn't always know where she was."
After another pause, he continued. "Then there was the sleepwalking thing, and, you know, we felt like we really had to keep an eye on her after that."
What sleepwalking thing? I'd never heard anything about sleepwalking. When I asked him about it, he seemed surprised that I hadn't been told anything about this, but said he'd have to ask Donna before filling me in. "I thought she would have told you," he said, "so if she didn't, maybe she has a reason. I'll let her talk to you about it, okay?"
"Okay," I said.
I called Donna when I got home, but she didn't pick up and I didn't know what to say to her answering machine, so I didn't leave a message. Maybe I can find some way to talk to her about this before next Sunday, because I'm really curious. I don't feel like I can wait a week!
Matt didn't talk a lot during lunch; mostly he munched his sandwich and looked out the window. We had several brief conversations, most of them small talk, that died after a few sentences.
Finally, it was starting to get a little too weird, so I reminded him that usually the purpose of these lunchtime meetups is so that we can talk about how Luna's been doing. He looked a bit surprised, blinked, then said "You're right!" and laughed as if it was very silly of him to have forgotten. (Which it was.)
"I kind of wanted to ask you about the other day, when Luna showed up at my house," I told him. I would have felt awkward bringing that up to Donna, but Luna's dad felt less intimidating. Possibly because he just didn't seem like much of an authority figure.
"Oh, yeah." He nodded as though he had expected the question. "Yeah, um, I think Luna still needs to adjust to having less free rein here than she did in the city."
That didn't explain much. "Why do you think she came over to my house, though? She never told me."
He shrugged. "Maybe she wanted to talk to you? I don't know. She gets impulses sometimes and acts on them without thinking through."
It seemed odd that she would come over to my house on impulse without some specific reason, but I let it drop.
"If you don't mind me asking, why is she being given less freedom here than she was in the city?"
He paused and scratched his head. "Donna and I felt like maybe we gave her a little too much freedom in the city. She was out a lot and we didn't always know where she was."
After another pause, he continued. "Then there was the sleepwalking thing, and, you know, we felt like we really had to keep an eye on her after that."
What sleepwalking thing? I'd never heard anything about sleepwalking. When I asked him about it, he seemed surprised that I hadn't been told anything about this, but said he'd have to ask Donna before filling me in. "I thought she would have told you," he said, "so if she didn't, maybe she has a reason. I'll let her talk to you about it, okay?"
"Okay," I said.
I called Donna when I got home, but she didn't pick up and I didn't know what to say to her answering machine, so I didn't leave a message. Maybe I can find some way to talk to her about this before next Sunday, because I'm really curious. I don't feel like I can wait a week!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
I've hung out with Luna nearly every day this week, at her request. She hasn't been acting as strangely as she was the other day, though she hasn't offered me any explanation for her behavior. I just decided to drop it; it was probably nothing important anyway.
We've had a pretty good time. We've been talking a lot more. She keeps telling me about all these strange dreams she's been having. She had one where there was a gateway to another world in her bedroom closet, sort of like Narnia, and she went and explored it with her stuffed animals. They could all talk to her and had distinct personalities. It was funny listening to her talk about it; she has such a big imagination. Someday I'll have to get her to write this stuff down.
Erin and I Skyped once, but it was an audio chat so I don't have anything of that to put here. We didn't talk much about Luna-related things, anyway. I didn't tell her about the incident with Luna coming over late at night; she'd probably misinterpret that.
The weather has been nice this summer. Much nicer than the previous year, when we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. I can't believe it's already August. In just over a week I leave with my parents to go to the beach for ten days. (We're going to go to the Outer Banks, in North Carolina. I've only been twice before, but it's nice there. We're meeting up with extended family, which is kind of a drag, but I'm older this time so maybe I won't have to hang around with them as much.)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
So it's my fourth month running this blog. I'm really glad I started it; writing about my life is... well, it's practically therapeutic. It really helps me to write things down. It makes it feel much easier to deal with everything, like I'm packaging up my life into neat little bundles.
Not many people are reading and no one's commenting, but that's okay. It's not a blog for anybody but me. I kind of like that anyone can find this blog if they want, because that way I don't feel like I'm hiding anything, but I'm also glad people aren't reading it.
Not many people are reading and no one's commenting, but that's okay. It's not a blog for anybody but me. I kind of like that anyone can find this blog if they want, because that way I don't feel like I'm hiding anything, but I'm also glad people aren't reading it.
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